i was always happy. i still am. and i strive to always be happy. but time and time again i get visited by feelings of melancholy that makes me reflect on my life and what i have done with it. most of the time, i am the one who is the most hard on myself that i raise all these expectations but nothing ever gets done. i am a dreamer, no doubt about it. but i know how to balance it with realism. though the dreams that i’ve had before seems to be much farther away now compared to when i started.

maybe it happens to everyone. maybe you get more critical when you grow old. you become so nitpicky that it eats most of your time. i hate it. if i have a choice between growing old and staying young, i’ll choose the latter. sometimes i think that maybe i was born in the wrong generation. that maybe i should have been part of the hippie culture in the 70′s. i want to be carefree, i want to be sure that i am fighting for the right thing.

****

music has been my companion ever since i was young. i was grateful that my parents used to have that big stereo at home and i would always wake up to music coming from it. i never knew it would be my introduction to my love-hate relationship with music. never in my life would i think or consider not making music an important part of my life. listening to it made me dream. made me feel. made me think. but sometimes it is the thing that makes me dream too much. i get to lost in it that i just want to stay in that moment hoping that it will never change. but it does. it always does. never faltered.

****

i’d be 28 in a few months and i am still hopeful that by the time i reach 30, i would have accomplished something. anything. well not anything. but something big. some of my batch-mates are already starting a family, some of them are in their choice of profession, while here i am still thinking about what to do in my life. i’m confused and i really don’t know if now is the time to worry or i just have to go with the flow. what’s important is that i am still enjoying my life. though i miss those times when even a little thing can make you happy. when we didn’t worry too much.

i wonder where the moments go. can’t we have a little more?

*the title of this post is the title of a song by Jack Conte. you can listen to it and his other songs here.

pag minsan naman, “o sampuan yan sampuan paki-dikit-dikit na po!”

yan lagi ang naririnig ko tuwing nasa sakayan ako ng jeep. minsan kahit hindi na talaga kasya, pagpipilitan parin nila na kasya ang siyam o sampu. hindi ko ba alam kung anong basehan ng mga driver para malaman nila kung siyaman o sampuan yung magkabilang upuan ng jeep. meron ba silang sinusunod na standard? o naka-depende sa kanila kung ilanan yung upuan?

nakakainis pag minsan lalo na kapag ikaw yung mahuhuling pasahero. sasabihin kasya pa ang isa. kasya pa nga ang isa pero sana nililinaw nila na isang pisngi lang ng pwet ang ibig nilang sabihin. oo naiintindihan ko na kelangan nilang kumayod. kelangan nilang kumita kase kung hindi, wala silang maipapakain sa pamilya nila. pero sana naiisip din nila na PUBLIC SERVICE ang pinasukan nila. na dapat binibigay nila ang kanilang serbisyo sa mga mamamayan na nangangailangan ng masasakyan patungo sa kanilang mga destinasyon.

pag minsan, gusto ko itanong sa kanila kung pano nila natiyakan kung siyaman o sampuan yung jeep nila. gusto ko itanong kung kinoconsider ba nila yung laki o liit ng tao. gusto ko rin itanong kung paano kung malalaki lahat ng pasahero, siyaman/sampuan parin ba yun? pano naman kung mapapayat? nagiging sampuan/labingisahan ba yun? ang labo naman. nagbabayad naman tayo ng pamasahe, bakit pag minsan kuyukot na lang ang naka-dikit sa upuan?

kung trike o taxi naman, pag minsan tatanggihan ka kase kesyo hindi nila DAW alam kung pano pumunta doon o kaya malayo o kaya traffic. kanya-kanyang excuses. pag bus naman nagbabayad ka pero minsan nakatayo ka na lang. bakit ganon? yun ang pipiliin na propesyon tapos hindi naman gagawin ng maayos.

nung pumunta kami sa Singapore, nakasakay kami sa isang taxi. si daddy ewan ko ba, lagi syang kinakausap ng mga taxi driver doon tuwing sasakay kame. yung isang pagkakataon, ang kulit lang, kase kung ano anong kinwento nung taxi driver. medyo may edad na sya at medyo “safe” sya mag-drive pero okay lang. ang dami nyang kinwento na nag-aral daw sya ng astrology sa china. tapos tinanong nya kung ano anong year kame pinanganak. sinabi nya yung mga hayop according dun sa year tapos sinabi nya yung mga traits ng bawat isa samin. nung naubusan na sya ng makukuwento, tinanong sya ni daddy. tinanong ni daddy kung ang pagddrive ba ng taxi e ginagawa nya para sa extra income. sabi nung driver (hindi saktong words pero parehong mensahe), “no. i don’t do this for the money. i do this so i can help people get to their destination.” natuwa ako sa sagot nya. pero napaisip ako. bakit ganun? kung yung mga driver kaya dito sa Pilipinas ang tatanungin, ano kayang isasagot nila?

alam ko medyo judgemental pero feeling ko alam ko na isasagot ng karamihan ng mga driver dito.

ganito ba talaga sa Pilipinas? basta pwede na, pwede na? basta kumikita ka, wala ka nang pakialam sa iba?

as i have mentioned, i usually don’t make new year’s resolutions. maybe because i lack commitment or i am just plain lazy. also don’t like plans because for me, plans lessen one’s ability to enjoy the present since you are too busy looking at the future when you should be focused on what is here now. but through the years, i have realized that making plans can also be beneficial so as to determine what you should be doing in order to achieve your goals. speaking of, i do have goals that i want to accomplish may it be in this year or later. but i think putting them down in a list would be too cliche and too bothersome for me.

but as far as lists go, and as ironic as this may seem, there are certain things that i would like to share for those who want to live their lives to the fullest not just for this year but also for the years to come.

1) for the others who already have their new year’s resolution: good luck! may it bring you happiness and purpose in your life. i wish for your success. but if you fail, don’t worry. when life gives you lemons, then make lemon iced tea.

2) stand back for a while and look at the bigger picture. maybe you’ll see it more clearly.

3) sweep the skeletons off your closet and embrace the new year without hangups. let go of the things that you should be letting go and hang on to the things that you should hang on to.

4) life is not that easy so if you’re going to endure it, it’s best that you do things that make you happy. i mean really happy.

5) rethink your priorities; think about what really is important. money is just a tool, not a goal. do not abuse it. do not exchange it for ANYTHING.

6) do more of what makes you whole. even if it’s just a hobby, it can do wonders for you.

7) balance idealism and realism. too much of either can lead to catastrophe.

8) READ MORE (chick lit and fashion magazines are out of the picture. sorry.)

9) watch less tv. it can do wonders.

10) LOVE MORE

11) be more empathic. try to understand what other people are going through.

12) as much as possible, experience things without judgement.

13) be more assertive. don’t let other people take you for granted.

14) be bold.

15) and lastly, expose yourself to art. know more about your culture because it’s who you are.

this list could go on but i stop here for now. these are merely guidelines and depends on you whether you’ll do it or not. accomplishing your goal is purely to your discretion. the reason i made this is because i’m not really a fan of Machiavellianism where the end justifies the means. i don’t want to achieve my goals knowing that i have or would have to hurt other people in the process. although sometimes it is inevitable but i don’t want to push it. i still believe in cause and effect mind you.

anyway, this has been becoming too long. i leave you with this. and for that, a Happy New Year to all of you!

have a happy year ahead!

1. confidence

as what i have mentioned, the vocalist is in the middle of it all. and when i say middle, i mean literally in the middle. in a way you are the “star.” all eyes are on you so you really have to be conscious on what you are doing. for me it is really difficult since i was always the shy type (eww) and i have trouble in expressing myself in front of a lot of people. but as i have always told myself, they don’t know anything about what you are thinking. so whether you are shy or you’re having stage fright, they don’t know that. i’ve always called it a “false sense of confidence”  in which you exude confidence but you’re really panicking inside. but i also tell myself that i am not the only one. there are other three or four guys who i know are also feeling the same way so i guess it’s okay. and as we are talking about stage presence, confidence is the key. whether that may be fake or not, other people doesn’t have to know about it.

2. know, understand, FEEL

skill is important in every performance since you, of course, have got to have the talent. but i do believe that it is still important that you can reach out to your audience. so if you are playing your rendition of a song, better make it believable. PLAY AND SING IT LIKE THE SONG IS YOURS. how can you make the audience believe you when you don’t feel the song yourself? a good band is good only if the audience can feel the sincerity through the songs that they play. i mean, we get it that the song your playing is not your original work but, that is not an excuse for you to mess it up. i mean what would you feel if a certain band covers an original song of yours and they don’t play it well?

3. memorization

as we are talking about sincerity, as a vocalist i really hate it when other vocalists go on stage with their lyrics on hand. YOU ARE ALREADY ON STAGE. you have had your time for memorizing. THROW. IT. AWAY. (or keep it, you know. whatever.) eye contact is crucial. you’re not really required to look them straight in the eye but at least look at their faces. how can you connect with your audience if you can’t even face them? i know it’s not that easy to memorize that’s why you have to feel the song. if you feel it, you’ll find that it’s not really that hard.

4. identity

as what is already mentioned, the vocalist is the front man/woman, the person in the middle of it all. a vocalist’s identity is crucial since he/she is the embodiment (or whatever) of the whole band because he/she is the most visible. now don’t get me wrong but i did learn this the hard way. if you are a vocalist, as much as possible, try not to be the vocalist for more than two bands. i think it’s unnecessary. since you are the most visible member, seeing you in a lot of bands would confuse the audience (unless you have a different position in the other band/s). building an identity is not really difficult if the audience can identify you from the genre that you play. most of the time, your first gigs are playing for people who does not have an idea on who you are so in order for them to get to know you, you must have to build that identity first.

5. stage presence

for me this is the most difficult. as what i have mentioned, i am really really shy (believe it or not). but singing is something that i really like doing and i wouldn’t be able to do that if i continue being shy. exuding confidence is one thing. bringing your presence to the stage is another. confidence isn’t confidence if the audience can’t feel that you are comfortable on stage. so you have to talk to them. that does not mean that you have to tell them stories or tell them what you’ve had for lunch/dinner. no. that’s too much information. just thank the people who are responsible for that gig, introduce your band mates, introduce the song, that kind of stuff. what i mean is just make them feel that their presence is acknowledged and you’re not just there to break loose.

there. i’m not really asking you to follow all of these. except for numbers two and three, i think those are the most important. music is all about expression and you are free to do whatever you like. but if your expression falls short, then maybe there is something missing.the photos here are photos of one of my favorite front men of all time. Freddie Mercury. for me he is one of THE best. his vocal prowess, his confidence, and his stage presence are god-like (if there is a god). makes me want to believe that he sprung from the head of Zeus. so if you’re going to sing, sing it with all you’ve got. don’t just sing it. mean it.

1. usb negative scanner

i’m not really particular about brands so the picture is just really to show what a negative scanner looks like. though i prefer the spool-type scanner so that i don’t need to cut the negatives anymore. i need this since i still use film cameras and it would be a great money-saver if i can just process my own negatives at home. with a negative scanner i can choose which picture to print or upload without the bulk of printed photos. plus you just insert it on a usb port, install it, and voila!

2. Infernal Devices book one: Clockwork Angel by Cassandra Clare

i’ve been wanting this book ever since it came out of the market. i’m into stories/themes like this for a while now. it is about Tessa Gray who is in search of her brother and along the way meets creatures from London’s Downworld (vampires, warlocks and other supernatural folk, you name it). unfortunately, it is still out of stock at national bookstore in calamba and it was the only mall we went to this year for christmas shopping (that was as far as my dad wants so drive). anyway, i really want this book. book 2 is already in the market and i have to get my hands on this one first.

3. Kate Daniels book 2: Magic Burns by Ilona Andrews

i bought the first book (Magic Bites) in book sale and i enjoyed reading it. upon finishing the book, that was the only time that i learned that i had unknowingly read the first book of a series.  so i have to have this. the series is an urban fantasy about a mercenary in an apocalyptic world where magic feeds on technology. vampires & shape-changers are among the characters in the series. i don’t know. i liked it. no sparkling vampires though.

4. an ordinary point and shoot camera

the above picture is a Canon PowerShot A75. it was the first digital camera that i have used. it lasted for five years or more, i think. it was my sister’s before she gave it to me. i miss using this camera because of it’s wonderful features. until it broke. the screen won’t turn on anymore, the shutter won’t close, the picture looked pink (a fine effect actually during it’s last photo-capturing moments). although i prefer analog cameras, a digital camera can come in handy for everyday use. just turn it on and you can click away.

5. The Tiny Book of Tiny Stories volume 1 by hitRECord & Joseph Gordon-Levitt

i’ve been a member of the forum for years now and i have been a fan of JGL since The Juror where he played Demi Moore’s son. i’ve seen the artwork of this book and it reminds me of The Little Prince. truth be told, i am intrigued by the contents of this book. though it still isn’t available here, but i hope i can get my hands on one when it does become available.

6. Wicked: The Life & Times of the Wicked Witch of the West by Gergory Maguire

i like parallel stories. it shows us the point of view of the antagonist and makes us understand them a little bit more. much like Neil Gaiman’s short story, Snow, Glass, Apples. the first of four books (i think). i’ve been wanting this for the longest time. it is a parallel novel which centers on Elphaba, a misunderstood girl who grows up to be the Wicked Witch of the West.

so far. these are the only things in my mind. i’m not really into techie stuff so android phones, laptops, ipod, ipad, and the likes are not on the list. tickets to new york perhaps? or a trip to the Wizarding World of Harry Potter? why not. but i don’t want this list to be too long. maybe next year. XD

before we arrived at sm we endured a two hour traffic jam from pansol to halang. GRABBBBEEEEE! it’s like we travelled from san pablo to alabang. we didn’t expect it since it was thursday and it wasn’t rush hour. but boy were we wrong. same thing happened on the way home. >.< good thing we saw something amusing along the way. we passed by a group of inflatable penguins (with two dolphins and a loch ness monster perhaps?) waddling along the highway. yes! they waddle! we got a chance to take a picture before another jeepney blocked our view. whoever made that, we will never know. but to whoever that is, thank you!

or maybe i just care too much.

also i have just recently learned about 8tracks which is a site for people who know and like music. it enables you to listen to other people’s playlist as well as make your own. i’ve made three playlists already which includes some of my favorite songs for certain situations but my favorite by far is this one i compiled titled New York Sunsets. i’m not really sure why i’ve made this particular playlist and named it as such. but as what the description of the playlist says:

“it’s amazing how a film (or two) can inspire you. and somewhere along the way, you’d wish to be in a specific time and a specific place with a specific someone with that particular story in mind. naturally, it comes with a soundtrack. and if i have mine, this would be it.”

maybe because i’ve always wanted to be in a story ala Before Sunrise/Sunset and that may have inspired me to make this. i also want to commend Jack Conte whose two songs i included in the playlist since from my point of view, those two songs (or even more but 8tracks only allows two songs per artist/band per playlist) accurately expresses the theme of the playlist.

if you haven’t seen Before Sunrise/Sunset yet, i suggest you see it. if you’re a romantic, you’ll like it. so if you have time, please listen. and i hope you’ll also feel what i feel when listening to these songs.

New York Sunsets

i know it may doesn’t matter what you give someone but i become OC when it comes to certain things. i hate the feeling when you give someone something and they don’t enjoy it that much. parang nagsayang ka lang ng pera so to speak. but asking them what they want is just giving it away. mas maganda kung surprise.

anyway, i hope i get the hang of this choosing which gifts to give thing. it’s really difficult considering the number of relatives that you want to give something to. add to that other gift-giving days of the year (birthdays, anniversaries, etc.). but i think sister dear won’t run out of ideas yet. i can always ask her anyway. XD